LIFE

It exists...
the most mysterious
breath, a wind. I felt it
blow softly
against my face,
and am assured
of it's most tangeable
realness.

Loss

...These days there is a perpetual night... always there is a dark sort of sorrow, confusion and grief that taunts my soul. My waking hours are spent in a mechanical numbness, only to be followed in the evenings by a broken dam of painfilled tears. How long will this last? 

Everywhere I go it follows me, into every thought and through every open field of grass and patch of sun. I cannot escape it - it will not stop... 

...When will this mourning end

....and the morning come?

No escape, but to face.

My Christmas Wish-List (4.5 months early)

I want to feel the fire in my bones.

I want my soul to see.

I want to know and understand.

To be a gypsy, living free.

I want to explore. I want to feel.

I want to connect and share what is real.

I want to know that I'm alive,

All the time, have peace, inside.

I want to breath and yell and sing.

I want my skin and heart to sigh,

I want everything, amplified.

I want to have sensitive eyes.

I want life to be gentle, and life to be fierce.

I want reality, my mind to pierce.

I want to be in nature, and feel the sun.

To stand in the wind and sand and run.

I want to go deep.

I want to know calm.

I want to dream dreams,

And know what's my own.

----------------------------------------

I wrote this the other day, when I was in one of my selfish moods... But in the last two days, I've come to a greater realization altogether. There is really only one thing I want and one thing I need - to be truly happy, and for all of these other things to even be possible. I must love and live from a place of giving, and not of taking. For when we take, that which is swallowed, gets lost in us, only to leave us hungry again.

I do want to love. But for too long I wanted to receive and experience the love too much. True love is completely selfless. All the best truths are the most beautiful paradoxes. And in order to be truly filled, we must give completely of ourselves and be free of want. This is freedom.

Years and years...

Today I spent the day rereading nearly every journal I own.
...Should we really be surprised when the rivers and storms rush louder and grow stronger, as our spirits grow? It's these things that catch us unexpectedly that light our fire, surprise and change, that fill us with that piercing feeling of reality, so fragile, yet also brazen as a bear... leading us god-knows where.

But that is where I want to go.

Conversation with God

"Did you enjoy that walk?"

"Yes."

"Did you enjoy each place, as you strode by it?"

"Yes."

"Where you unsettled along the way? Rushing to get through?"

"No, I was happy where I was, enjoying it as it unfolded."

"Do you want to go back, then?"

"No, I'm almost home."

"All along you knew where you'd end up, but in
each place you let me show you something new."

"Yes."

"And you don't want to go back now, but in the moment,
each time, you didn't want to be anywhere else."

"Yes."

"So carry on."

On Brothers and Roadtrips (and life)

Life Lesson:
Life is made of moments; so make the few you have here on Earth memorable, and pleasant, and give thanks in their midst. Don't let something small ruin something bigger. Ever. Enjoy each other, cause a 3-day road trip will only count for a blink in the scheme of time, and then it's gone. So, make it count. MAKE IT COUNT. And for sheesh sake, don't sweat the small stuff.

It's what Bucks do.

I was sitting amid a circle of 3rd graders, after just finishing a story in which we had to answer questions, and write a brief summary. One question: "What is the conflict in this story?" proved to be confusing to some, so they asked: "What is conflict?" I tried explaining it, as best I could: "It kind of like the problem, or the issue, or for example, when two of the characters but heads with each other and don't get along."

Well, there went my lesson. All the 8-year-old boy ears could hear was that I'd said butt-head, and the rest was lost to them. I tried explaining myself, but it was no use. They couldn't stop giggling for minutes. I think I made their day... and at least now I know there is one part of 3rd grade they'll never forget.