scripted romance.

maybe it's just our society. or something. but whatever it is, it's really gotten to me. i feel smothered in all the relationships happening around me. i feel like every single one (in it's own way) is so similar. like every one is just on repeat of the other. i don't want any of it. i'm tired of it.

everthing in love is expected. and every couple thinks they are unique, and their love is "special". and maybe it is. to them. but i'm on the outside. watching. and i can see that they are all on that same familiar road, taking all the same expected steps, and it's so predictable. why would i want that?

i know how it goes. and it it's a big high, followed by a sinking low. and even if the low doesn't come deep in the heart... it comes in the lifestyle, and the habits and behaviours. the ups and the downs. but what is it with no ups and downs? boring and dull and lifeless? it's lose/lose if you ask me.

i don't want to play the game. i don't want to rehearse from the same script we're all using. don't get me wrong. i'm happy for the people that are happy to be in a relationship. i genuinely think they are glad and i don't question them; it's a sweet sort of innocence. but i don't want that.

here's a secret: it used to be my one dream. to find someone. to love. to travel in a little hippie bus with and come to understand true love, in all the ways. and to be better, because of each other. and to know god better. through each other. but i just don't see how that's even remotely possible, now.

maybe someday. by many, many great miracles. but i'm not settling for america's crap version of love. and i'm not searching for it. for now, i have a new dream. to live. life to the fulluest. seeing the good in things, in all things. in freinds. true friends. and become a freindly, maybe quiet, little nun of a girl. because life can be very beautiful that way. i am so grateful to have discovered this. but i'm not interested in boys. not that way.

i wish i could explain myself better. i'm not angry towards love. not at all. i know i probably sound calloused and embittered. i'm not. i don't feel defeated. or like my dream was crushed or stolen from me. i think it's just been replaced. and it's freeing. it's so much better. because i know that in life you should be 100% sure, and 100% original [at least to yourself]. and i don't want to live anybody else's love story [or sing their love songs]. and they've all ready all been lived - and sung - multiple times. so i guess i'll just be by myself. and find my own path. the path of truth and of love, brand new, being discovered, like the first bud of spring, or a buck, all alone drinking from a high mountain desolate lake.

i usually don't like saying so many words. i probably could have said all of this better with fewer. but i'm too lazy to figure out how to do that.

rant. over.