human

I'm in love.
with fresh spaced old places
the crooked path to
this coffeshop sunlight, freedom
kind strangers, crazy yelling drifters
cold winter, melodic spring
San Fransisco. soundtrack of hippies
flowers in their hair, in the park,
thumping through my imagination
windy walking love, heart-break,
m
  i
   s
     t
       a
         k
           e
              s
written in the cracks of sidewalks
late night drunken lost trippin
searching, all the finding, finding finding
being found
home
my dad told me he wandered these streets
over and over
i am here
my shoulders feel his footsteps
carrying a heavy load
but free barefoot dirty bearded handsome
searching
i am here, finding.
love for a father grows and grows
all souls need medicine
and here, I see it all around.
this world is too beautiful
thatched
entwined humanity breathes in together
the planet spins
sun and moon so perfectly balanced
peace, the strongest force, daughter of love
sustaining all, I lean, and sinues feel her
in the sighs of strangers
in the swirl of this latte
not the best I've ever tasted
but perfect
in this moment
so the best,
everything and nothing right now.
this lot is goodness.
saturday.

Please don't be afraid...

For there is no sin that would make me unlove you.

hiccup surprise cheese

The amount
of love
that fits
right here
so close to my
(wait...
inside, beyond
like,
maybe another
universe sitting
right inside my)
heart,
(to the left
and down a corridor
a few thousand
billion miles
and then free fall
down deep
into a
cave
yeah, that's where
this love
i have for you
hangs out
and sometimes
it burps out past my face
and i see it square on
and I can't
help
but
smile)

Taking time to say it better...

As the sun began to peer out

from the darkened valley below,

two souls wandered and saw themselves

in each other's eyes.

It was a good springtime moment

in both of their lives... the depths

of darkness that lay behind

enabled them to gaze afresh in

wonder at the small miracles of life.

lightness, excitement and hope

took thier place in a renewed

foundation underneath thier feet,

assuring the sinues of their 

knowing souls that life would be

good, no matter what.

surely there was a good flow.

and surely the hopeless

romantic is no stranger to

the human heart.

Good vibes + good connections are

not annulled simply if true-love

is not, in effect, sprouted from them.

The fact is, gifts were given.

Material ones, yes; and in them

deep significance and symbolic

value. Overwhelmingly in fact. and

on top of that, the gifts of thought,

consideration, time attention and

the gallant sacrifice of vulnerable risk.

These things were not overlooked

or taken for granted.

However, there is forever a

mystery to love;

the way in which it's formed,

and the manner to which it lingers.

Try as we may, our human ventures

can only go so far, 

until they're picked up

by an unearthly wind,

a sacred and irrefutable spirit

that let's us say: yes;

without hindrance,

unharnessed to step forward

in peaceful passion

- this is something precious and mystic and pricelss - 

and there is no counterfeit will 

that can ever do this justice.

there can be sadness 

when things don't go as we'd have hoped...

but even in sorrow,

there rests the optimistic anticipation

of consolation and deliverance.

The bitter parts of life

can enrich the sweetness when it comes, 

and if we surrender to being honest to 

our own hearts and accepting of the seasons

as the pass across our pastures.

It's difficult to 'turn someone down'

when you believe that "LOVE IS WHAT 

MAKES THE WORLD GO ROUND"

It seems paradoxical and I'm not sure

how to feel good about it.

But I do beleive you are a person worthy

of immense love, unbridled and whole.

And I ernestly hope you find it.

I'm sorry to say it cannot be me.

I've been more than flattered by 

all your undeserved kindness.

I feel you've given me much,

and for that, I thank you.

I want to give you: 

A most favorite book I've ever read.

I hope you too, can find comfort

and beauty within it's pages.

Not every story can end the classic fairytale,

But in each story, we can find beauty.

You shared a great amount with me - 

and I hope our friendship doesn't have to end.

with sincerity.

Madeleine

on: persuit

These specific days and hours find me longing for the sacred more than anything. I'm finding it in the cracks of windy willows; while embracing strength and sensitivity all in the same breath. It's standing firm and letting the spirit sway you all at once. What wonder. It's splattered everywhere.

I sat amongst 3 other girls, but I could not join them in their activities this time, because I desire the right timing, and a holy moment more than escaping, more than numbing. I'd rather feel all the hot tears run down my cheeks, while feeling invisible to the world, but know I'm seen and known in a way deeper than the soil knows a root and deeper than the kelp knows the sea.

I never want to grow a shell so crusted shut around my heart. But saying fuckit is different. It's healthy, I do believe. Because you need to give the finger to your fears, or you'll miss out on so much.

But wouldya look what the messenger brought me this morning. Such a collection of sacred meaningful things. Even a peach, he couldn't know the significance they hold for me. But no amount of orchards of peach trees, or bowl of berries, or feathers, or crosses, or ukuleles, or sunflower seeds, or collages or concerts will make me love him the way he wants me to love him. I'm sorry. You are a wonderful refreshing human. But it's not gonna be me.

To: Dakota

You were just a boy, a magic one, with green eyes and spitfire soul. Your whole body and brain bursting with talent and humor and life.

And here you are 21. But you seem 41. All burnt out and depressed and worn, and droopy-eyed, acting so tough. Back busted from bucking broncos, and car wrecks, and long hours installing factory sprinkler heads in hard hats, and all you care about is money, and things, and trucks and speakers, and gators, and girls, as they come and go. You play them and they play you, and you don't really invest yourself, even though all of you wants to and actually you do - but you're dying a little every day, more than any man should. And yeah -  I called you a man. But I knew you as a boy. And I loved that boy. In a way I rarely have any others. You niched a special place of belonging so deep in my heart. I always wanted so hard to someday have a son just like you. I don't wish we could go back - cause we were kids back then - and now we're older. But life has not bruised me like it has you. Well, I have lot's of scars, and tender bits, but I'm still hopeful, and I see life's magic still, and it keeps me going, and really just makes everything better. I want that for you too. Maybe you're more resilient then you let on. You always had that. Who are you pretending for? Stop that. Stop looking for love and meaning in all the worst possible places. I pray that someday your eyes open up, and you see the Maker of things, and you know exactly how much you're loved.

I watched your eyelids curl around those glassy peepers, and I saw slivers of your soul. Praise God that He let's us love, sometimes like this. Unconditional, and seeing. He must see us this way. On the edge of his seat, cheering and excited because he sees us as the best player on the t-ball team, and can't wait to see us succeed, cause he knows we got it in us. You can still succeed, buddy. You just gotta realize happiness doesn't come from things, and you will - because you were one to teach me that - all those so many years ago.

On being empowered.

How can I do the most good?
I can feel things... and support women, and children, and humans, and men and grandfathers, and aunties, and receptionists and neighbors. I can be with whoever I am with at any given moment. I can hear their stories, I can listen with my eyes and mind and heart, and care. I can be moved - or not - but I can accept them, (just in the way I accept all that has happened to me). Not turn them away - not judge them. I can search every crack of their face til I find the worthy part of them that exists because they were made by love.

I'm not saying it' not complicated. Cause, Good Lord, it is. But often complicated problems can have simply solutions. Really really.

And I can cheer by myself, alone in my room, because such a good song fills me with such beauty and thankfulness. I've listened to Gregory Alan Isakov twice this year. Once walking down a hill in France, and once tonight. And just wow.

All kind of cirlces of healing are happening. Healing, like not starting over, just moving forward, stronger. I know more that what I am doesn't matter so much, as what I choose to do with the days God has given me, and what good ones He has made. I mean, just gee.

I love so dearly this moment of life. The three most precious little boys living in my childhood home, my family, my friends, new friends... old ones too - we are all knowing each other and failing so much, but making it all the same. Good job, humanity. We are the collective, there is strength and sense in finding our place in the greater collective, of souls all gone through hardships and bliss, knowing we are one. Sometimes we have to stop and give credit where it's due. Imagine if God made a planet without music? And without boats, and sunsets, and growing grass, and steamy soup, and ohmygod coffee, and blankets and eyeballs, and the sweetest single mother who fell in love with a german popstar, and we eat burritos on the beach, and watch her baby be fatherless, even though sparkling waves crash in February summer warmth... but no, there is always forever hope. None of us are quite finished yet. We're just supposed to trust in happy endings - because there is one for all who choose to believe.

Oh man.
Unedited rambles. but so true to the spirit in this deep evening.