I walked for 5 (maybe 6) hours in circles through downtown Boise (it seems a good place for the easily lost, and rats who like a mazes). When my buns would freeze, I'd go warm them in the same coffeehouse, or the one bookstore with couches in the back. But I'd head out again - in search for my heart - one could poetically say. But this time it wasn't so much poetical as God-dammed practical. There was a moment, when I almost nearly found it: the rain was starting to come down hard, and I just pushed my beanie back a bit, and welcomed the drops on my forehead as I turned up my music, and marched feeling so freezing and yet alive. "Life!" I recall exclaiming in the echo of my mind. But other than that moment, I was mostly alone. And I felt that too. The heart that I desired was so far away, how I'd hope to be reconciled with it in the Northern cold.
But alas, I walked and walked, feeling the hallowed whistling wind reach inside me, until it was almost 8:30pm and I entered the same coffeeshop for the 3rd time. A little girl of 6 ran up to me, and asked earnestly: "Would you like to donate for a heart?" I followed her to a little table haphazardly strewn with tiny cut-out-colored hearts. She told me her name was Josie Wolf, and we became friends. I asked for her help to pick out the best one, and traded her 50 cents for it. It fit in half my palm. It was one of the smaller ones, but I really love it. All the rest of the evening, I sat in a seat by the window, and Josie's family (the owners of the shop) and a few punk-rockers hung out and watched a movie on a projector. For a moment, I went and sat close to the screen, but after a few minutes I was so offended by the images of demon-like dragons and gargoiled villains, I quickly returned to the window perch. Solemnly I rested there, wishing how I could shield my little friend's eyes from such haunting images. "Perhaps there is just one child out there that I can love, and shelter and protect from gruesome things." Hopefulness brewed at this thought, as my wheels spun with purpose. Josie came back to me, and we chatted some more. Such love for her flowed in me. I felt seen by God again, finally, more than in a long while. He was with us, there. It took 5+ hours of directionless walking before I was finally led to fogged up windows and this sweet girl, and - I do believe - the heart I had been searching for. Who knew it'd only cost me 50¢.
2 years ago